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The Milton Measure

Rejected Feature Articles

Gotcha! Why Limiting a Massive Schoolwide Game of Tag to One Building and Some Grass is a Bad Idea An Undercover Investigation of Ware’s Locked Doors and Its Potential Relationship to the Recent Success of Boys Lacrosse How I Changed When I Came to Milton: In Case You Never Heard a Single Class IV Talk […]

Chris Bucci Head Monitor Profile

Surefire Steps to Becoming Head Monitor: Results Guaranteed!

Rap Blackilicious’ Alphabet Aerobics as your speech. Pay Capital Crew to be featured on one of their tracks. Good publicity. Make an inappropriate joke in your speech in front of the entire school. Write Avery Park’s (I) Bio DYO so she’ll endorse you. Make an Insta marketing your campaign. Make an Insta trashing the other […]

Gucci with Bucci: April 8

What’s up Milton Academy? You can’t get ready for summer too early. Just because there is snow on the ground doesn’t mean that you can’t go outside and work on your tan this weekend. Summer isn’t a time of year, it’s a state of mind, and the key to a great summer is mentally preparing […]

Better Presidential Candidates

Todd Bland “America is BEAUTIFUL” Capital Crew “We’re just looking for a good time” Andre Heard “Keeping America safe, one backpack at a time” Tom Brady “Do I even need a slogan?” Leonardo DiCaprio “I won an Oscar” Mr. Reddicks “Unwilling because it is not Boys Varsity Basketball” Captain America “My name is literally America” […]

Gucci with Bucci: March 10

What’s Up Milton Academy? It’s Spring Break! Freshmen are rejoicing because, I don’t know, nobody knows anything about the freshmen. Sophomores are rejoicing because their ridiculously easy and stress free lives are about to get even easier and somehow less stressful. Juniors are rejoicing that nobody from their grade is going to get DC’d over […]

Decoding Teacher Comments: What Your Teacher Is Really Thinking

He makes a lot of active contributions. → Chill out. It’s not a Trump rally. It’s math class. She often comes for help → I know a suck up when I see one. He is great to have in class → I don’t know who the f*** this kid is. Is sometimes swayed easily by […]

Gucci with Bucci: February 26

What’s up Milton Academy? These days, it seems like nobody wants to be at school. Everything you hear out somebody’s mouth is “OMG, the Term Paper is so much work!” and “Damn Ronnie! Back at it again with the rolly backpack!” Morale is low, but come on, it could be worse. Today could be a […]

Stuff You Could Have Done with a 4-Day Weekend and Things As Big as Peyton Manning’s Forehead

Driven to New York and back 6 times Get CPR certified (for both humans and animals) Lose the SuperBowl Fall in love with Beyonce… again Cheer for your brother when he wins the SuperBowl Bump to Capital Crew’s new hit: Do What I Want Genetically test Donald Trump’s hair Lose your phone in the snow […]

Gucci with Bucci: February 12

What’s up Milton Academy? Keep your head up. Although you may be down on yourself because you didn’t knock Exam week out of the park, remember that the second semester is a cakewalk, highlighted by a Variety of easy A’s like the DYO, the Freshman Critical Essay and the US History Term Paper. It’s also […]

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