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The Milton Measure

Campus Safety Activity Log

by on Friday, April 14th, 2017

Monday 4-17-17, 3:00pm:

Students find a used condom in the Pritzker Lobby. Witnesses report juveniles trying togather DNA Samples for their upcoming DYO

Monday 4-17-17, 3:40 pm:

Student runs out of toilet paper in the middle of a poop. Remains in the stall for multiple hours and eventually passes out due to dehydration. Ambulance called and the student is stabilized.

Tuesday 4-18-17, 4:30 pm:

Campus Safety officer engaged in 35-foot pursuit with crazed Class IV student. Campus Safety officer calls for backup and collapses due to physical exhaustion.

Wednesday 4-19-17, 11:45 pm:

A student (I) farts in class but no one admits to it. Poor Jimmy gets blamed for the fart. Poor Jimmy!

Thursday 4-20-17, 7:00 am:

Jimmy, known ADHD student, shows up to school acting wicked chill.

Thursday 4-20-17, 4:20 pm:

Chipotle worker forgets to sign out. Was at Milton Academy.

Friday 4-21-17, 3:19pm:

School photographer reported lurking around group of diverse students.

Saturday 4-22-17, 9:00pm:

Student seen softly weeping as he discovers 4” is significantly below population mean. Reported to the Health Center.

Sunday 4-23-17 9:21pm:

Distinct lack of pillows leads to internal panic as Forbes freshman cannot hide his sneaky lil’ chubby.

Monday 4-24-17, 12:00pm:

Official Rosché drops his new mixtape called “A Life of Struggle: Mattapan.” Fire department called in and police on watch for riot.

Friday 4-21-17, 9:00pm:

Ms. Pearle overjoyed at catching couple hook up on third floor of library. Destroying thousands of books finally payed off.

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