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The Milton Measure

Gucci with Bucci: October 2

by Chris Bucci on Friday, October 2nd, 2015

What’s up Milton? I hope that everybody else had as amazing of a summer as I did. I would especially like to welcome all of the new students and freshmen to the world’s most amazing and expensive prison for minors. However, you youngsters may have a few questions on your mind: 1. How do I manage all of my work? 2. What are the best extracurriculars to join? 3. How do I craft a killer essay that will get me into Harvard? 4.What is the most delicious, yet affordable item in the bookstore? 5. Who is the most attractive male in the school? 6. Female? 7. Why won’t my physics teacher shut up about Fig Newtons? 8. Why won’t Jared Murphy (I) leave the Stu? 9. Haven’t the girls sports teams “dressed up” and taken enough pictures of themselves? Alas young frosh, I am here to put all your worries to rest and give you the only 5 basic things underclassmen need to do in order to survive:

1.Cut the lunch line. When seniors give you glares, is because they are jealous of all your friends.

2. Start rocking your own style. Look at how well camo Crocs worked out!

3. Work hard. Class IV Physics and English are the two hardest classes you will ever take, no lie.

4. Release your first single with a catchy name. How about “Planets”?

5.Defecate in public. Only 2 of those kids got expelled.

Sad to say, your school career is all downhill from here. Glow Dance 2015 was the peak of your life. Don’t get down, if you need some advice or a shoulder to cry on, stop me in the halls or email me at

Stay Gucci Milton Academy,

Oh, and here are the answers to all of your questions:
don’t do it
The Milton Measure
Be a direct descendent of John Harvard
Welch’s fruit snacks
Del Jenkins (II)
Del Jenkins (II)
he lives too far away
I guess not?

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Posted by Chris Bucci on Oct 2 2015. Filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can leave a response or trackback to this entry

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